The Worst Movies of 2009
Joe Stumpo
Issue date: 12/2/09 Section: Viewpoints
Before 2009 is out, I will have seen 80 films or more at the theater. I'd be lying if I said every movie I saw was worth either the $5 (before 11 a.m.), $7.50 for the afternoon and $10 for the night shows, in addition to the $10 or $20 spent each time on concessions. If there is any consolation in knowing that I wasted up to $400 to watch lousy movies, it's that I get to do an article like this, bashing them at the end of the year.
Here are what I deem the worst films of 2009, which fell into four categories.
One Note Performance Movies
I define the term, "one-note performance movie" as 1) the type of film which is literally is all about the actor/actress in the leading role. Nothing else matters, be it the plot, the screenplay, or any of the other supporting characters. I also define it as 2) a movie so bad the actor/actress knows it, yet they make the best of their leading role by giving a stand-out performance. This year, the top acting honors, in the worst movies, went to Dakota Fanning, Sienna Miller, Seth Rogen and Hillary Swank.
1. Push: The advertisement makes one think this might be a fun rendition of NBC's Heroes about people born with exceptional powers wanted by rogue government agents. Push is anything but fun, though it is laughable. The heroes, led by Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning, might as well be called Jedi Knights from the Star Wars prequels since they can perform telekinesis and predict future events. Fanning, now 15, who has been in a number of popular television shows and box office hits like War of the Worlds (2005), provides a show-stopping performance of her own, getting laughably drunk on Sake and drawing pictures of dead people. I wonder if she is the long-lost sister of the character Haley Joel Osment played in The Sixth Sense (1999) who often said he saw dead people.
2. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The two words that best describe G.I. Joe is "no imagination." I am not even going to address the plot except to say the characters here are as soulless as the plastic ¾-inch and 12- inch Hasbro action figures you see littering the store shelves of Toys R' Us. The only saving grace is Sienna Miller's leather-clad Baroness villain who chews up the scenery, firing machine guns in both hands, struts around in leather boots or expensive black pumps, engages in catfights with a female redhead "Joe" named Scarlett O'Hara (Rachel Nichols), and utters lines like "Nice shoes," as she throws a woman out of an elevator at a Paris mall. She'd make a great James Bond villainess should she ever want to venture into other action adventure roles. I wonder how Miller would react if I told her I didn't agree with her comment, "G.I. Joe is not going to be the best acting work I've ever done."
Here are what I deem the worst films of 2009, which fell into four categories.
One Note Performance Movies
I define the term, "one-note performance movie" as 1) the type of film which is literally is all about the actor/actress in the leading role. Nothing else matters, be it the plot, the screenplay, or any of the other supporting characters. I also define it as 2) a movie so bad the actor/actress knows it, yet they make the best of their leading role by giving a stand-out performance. This year, the top acting honors, in the worst movies, went to Dakota Fanning, Sienna Miller, Seth Rogen and Hillary Swank.
1. Push: The advertisement makes one think this might be a fun rendition of NBC's Heroes about people born with exceptional powers wanted by rogue government agents. Push is anything but fun, though it is laughable. The heroes, led by Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning, might as well be called Jedi Knights from the Star Wars prequels since they can perform telekinesis and predict future events. Fanning, now 15, who has been in a number of popular television shows and box office hits like War of the Worlds (2005), provides a show-stopping performance of her own, getting laughably drunk on Sake and drawing pictures of dead people. I wonder if she is the long-lost sister of the character Haley Joel Osment played in The Sixth Sense (1999) who often said he saw dead people.
2. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: The two words that best describe G.I. Joe is "no imagination." I am not even going to address the plot except to say the characters here are as soulless as the plastic ¾-inch and 12- inch Hasbro action figures you see littering the store shelves of Toys R' Us. The only saving grace is Sienna Miller's leather-clad Baroness villain who chews up the scenery, firing machine guns in both hands, struts around in leather boots or expensive black pumps, engages in catfights with a female redhead "Joe" named Scarlett O'Hara (Rachel Nichols), and utters lines like "Nice shoes," as she throws a woman out of an elevator at a Paris mall. She'd make a great James Bond villainess should she ever want to venture into other action adventure roles. I wonder how Miller would react if I told her I didn't agree with her comment, "G.I. Joe is not going to be the best acting work I've ever done."
Be the first to comment on this story